The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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