tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm both gender and math confused
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
