Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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