census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
