What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
