Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
