Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
