Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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