ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
