i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
