dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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