yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
