I didn't shave. On purpose
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize