Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
