when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
