i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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