Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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