the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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