she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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