His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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