I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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