I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
