Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
