I am midnight drunk by noon
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
