What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
