Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
