woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
