I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
