I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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