at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
