I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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