I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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