my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize