DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
