Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
