I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
