legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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