Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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