i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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