please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
