Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize