I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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