He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
