I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize