he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
