Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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