I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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