I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I need to calm my uterus...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
