A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
