I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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