dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
