her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
