I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
