Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
