walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
