Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish there were birth control emojis
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
