I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
