someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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