And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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