he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
