someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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