I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
